THE PREEMINENCE OF JESUS IN YOUR PARENTING
Part II - A Word to the Parents
Colossians 3:21
I. The Duty We Have
“Fathers” - the word used can mean parents (Heb. 11:23) but isn’t the same or more common word that you find in verse 20. That means that while this text should guide all parents, it is unmistakably directed at the fathers.
This goes back to what I mentioned a few weeks ago when we dealt with the “wives submit...” verse. God has ordained the man as the head of the home. I also told you that “Husband” is the most awesome title to ever be called and now I say “Dad” has to be second on that list.
The Bible tells us what the roles of godly parents are and keep in mind, dads, we’ve got to lead in this...
Deut. 6:6-9 - “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
Prov. 22:6 - “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Eph. 6:4 - “And you, fathers...bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”
God gave us a government to keep order in society, a school system to teach our kids to read and write, a church to make disciples for His kingdom, but He made parents to speak directly into a child’s life to raise them and train them to follow God through the path and gifts that He has uniquely shaped your child for.
And why do we do this? It all goes back to the Gospel which is literally “the good news.” You give your kids hope, a future, a foundation for real life when you impart to them the truths of God, His Son, His Spirit, His word, and the plans He has for their lives.
ENCOURAGING STATISTICS:
I recently heard the statistics that said when both Mom and Dad take their kids to church 76% of them become active in their faith. When Dad alone takes them it drops to 55%, Mom alone is 15%, and if neither parent goes to church with their kids only 9% become active Christians.
I also heard a myth busting statistic the other day. No doubt you have heard that the divorce rate among Christians is at least equal to that of non-Christians. Well, recent studies have shown that is false.
“Many people who seriously practice a traditional religious faith -- be it Christian or other -- have a divorce rate markedly lower than the general population.
The factor making the most difference is religious commitment and practice. Couples who regularly practice any combination of serious religious behaviors and attitudes -- attend church nearly every week, read their Bibles and spiritual materials regularly; pray privately and together; generally take their faith seriously, living not as perfect disciples, but serious disciples -- enjoy significantly lower divorce rates than mere church members, the general public and unbelievers.
Professor Bradley Wright, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut, explains from his analysis of people who identify as Christians but rarely attend church, that 60 percent of these have been divorced. Of those who attend church regularly, 38 percent have been divorced. THE TAKE-AWAY: The divorce rates of Christian believers are not identical to the general population -- not even close. Being a committed, faithful believer makes a measurable difference in marriage.” - Baptist Press, 2-15-11.
Why do I bring this up? Because which environment do you believe is most conducive to training up these kids in the right way? Which environment gives them the best foundation for success? A God-fearing home with a Mom and Dad who love each other or a broken home marked by a lack of concern for God and His word? You know the answer! This is the path God has called us to and we have the capacity to get this right.
II. The Detour We Can Take
It would be real easy to spend this message telling you about all that’s wrong in the world with parents and especially the deadbeat dads. But that’s not who Paul is speaking to. He is addressing the Dads that are in the church. That’s right, he is talking to you, me, the deacons, awana leaders, choir members, and those who are here because they sense they need Jesus in their lives. So listen up! What comes next shows us that it is possible to be a good Christian dad and yet take a detour along the way. A detour that takes us off the path God has for us.
This text is not so much about what we are to do as it is what we are not to do. And here is what we are to avoid: provoking our children. Now what does that mean?
Some translations use the words embitter, aggravate, exasperate, but the one that seems to best capture the meaning in a way we can understand is the ISV - “do not make your children resentful.”
“erethizo” - unreasonable exercise of authority that leads to resistance and resentment.
“Fathers are urged not to irritate their children by being so unreasonable in their demands that the children lose heart and come to think that it is useless trying to please their parents.” - FF Bruce.
Let me repeat the idea of the passage: this is a detour that every Christian dad can take if he isn’t careful. It can subtly happen without even realizing you got on the wrong road. Let me show you.
10 Ways to Make Your Kids Resent You (adopted/adapted from John MacArthur Colossians commentary)
1. Be Overprotective
The kids might call it suffocation. These parents never allow their kids to do anything. I see it in my life with small children when I constantly find myself saying ‘no.’ No to gum, ice cream, play outside, get on the computer, etc. There may be times that I need to say ‘no,’ but there are also plenty of times that I need to let my kids have things. This can build resentment and its something you need to be mindful of.
2. Show Favoritism
“Why don’t you make as good a grades as your brother does?”
“You don’t behave as well as that kid!”
Or here’s a real dangerous one: you spend more time working with the kids at the church than you do your own - and treat them better!
3. Do Not Respect
How do you show a lack of respect? Don’t listen to them. Let them feel like their opinions, problems, their desires don’t matter. The older your kids get the less likely they are to come to you and talk about what is happening in their life. If you ignore them or act like you don’t care when they do come to you, they likely won’t do it again.
4. Set Unrealistic Goals
Nothing they do is ever enough to meet your approval. We do this when we say their grades are never good enough, their sports skills are still not perfect, when their friends never meet your expectations even though they have worked hard and maybe even performed well or chosen wisely. A little praise and encouragement can go a long way.
5. Fail to Show Affection
Kids need verbal and physical affection. The older they get the physical might decrease but the verbal needs to increase. When’s the last time you told your kids you loved them, you were proud of them, or you said something really nice about them - to them! And don’t give me the old “well they know it already.” Maybe they do but they need to hear it too.
6. Do Not Provide for their Needs
You might not be the wealthiest person in the world but get them what they need and at least a few things they want. Yea you might have to do without something but you won’t miss it.
Two things I’ll always remember my Dad doing for me: buying me a baseball glove with his retirement check and wanting his truck sold to get my college education when he was dying.
As they get older - don’t do everything for them. Teach them the value of hard work and earning things because there comes a time when they must learn to provide for themselves and their family.
7. Don’t Have Standards
This is the flip side to overprotection. You just let them run wild and do what they want. They don’t want to pick up their toys, fine, I’ll do it, they want that new movie that is rated ‘R’, fine, I’ll buy it, they don’t want to get a job, fine, I’ll give them money...
Even though children will rebel and resist authority they really want it. When they don’t get it and they grow older they will wish their parents had set standards and held them accountable to them.
8. Constantly Criticize Them
Are you constantly on them about something? Hair, clothes, weight, the way they mow the grass or vacuum their room? There may be a time to confront but if you are always on them and constantly looking to point out their faults, you will embitter them. Guess what? Everyone has faults, some things you will need to tolerate and be patient with. Create a positive, structured environment where they can grow in the way they need to go.
9. Neglect Them
Parents must be involved in all areas of their kids lives. School, plays, ball games, and church are just a few. Surveys show that some parents - especially dads- spend as little as 30 seconds a day in meaningful time with their kids.
Ex- My parents weren’t involved much in my sports...That won’t be me. It better not be you.
Ex- My philosophy on church meetings...your kids will never be impressed by how many deacon meetings you attended, how many hours of OT you worked, or how much money you made. They will be impressed by seeing you in the audience at their performances!
“My father has never seen me play professional baseball or football...I tried to have a relationship with him, gave him my number, said, “Dad, call me. I’ll fly you in.” Can you imagine? I’m Bo Jackson, one of the so-called premier athletes in the country, and I’m sitting in the locker room and envying every one of my teammates whose dad would come in and talk with them after the game. I never experienced that.” - Bo Jackson, Sports Illustrated, 1995.
“When asked, ‘If you could, would you go back and do anything differently?’ Billy Graham responded, ‘Yes, of course. I'd spend more time at home with my family, and I'd study more and preach less. I wouldn't have taken so many speaking engagements, including some of the things I did over the years that I probably didn't really need to do—weddings and funerals and building dedications, things like that. Whenever I counsel someone who feels called to be an evangelist, I always urge them to guard their time and not feel like they have to do everything.’” - from Christianity Today Jan. 2011.
10. Discipline Excessively
Make sure the punishment fits the crime, don’t do it in anger, watch the words! Do it in love and ‘aim for the heart.’
It’s hard to raise kids the right way with all the influences of the world that pull on them, but it gets even harder if you are embittering them. These are just a few of the more common ways we can get our relationships with them off on a detour.
III. The Damage We Can Do
Embittering our kids can do more than damage our relationship with them. It can affect their lives personally.
“discouraged” - athymeo - lose heart.
You can take the life right out of your child and it is something that can stick with them as a teenager, young adult, even when they are late in life. Every once in a while I will encounter a senior adult who is just a ‘bitter ole soul.’ I wonder how they got that way. If you could peel back the layers I bet you would find a wound caused by a parent that never healed but only got more and more infected over the years.
When you do things that cause your kids to become discouraged you wound them and guess who’s there disguised as a caring doctor only he isn’t there to heal but to add salt into that wound? It’s the old devil! He will make that heart become more bitter and he’ll do his best to see that the child turns out just like his mom or dad that gave him the wound. That’s why some families just cycle the problems from generation to generation.
That’s why, dads, we’ve got to stop the cycle. With Christ as our Lord, preeminent in our lives we can. You let Christ come into your life and change your heart. He will change the way you treat others. When you stray it’s days like this that He will use His word to get your attention and help you get back to where you belong.
*****
*To the ‘good Christian dads’...Be on guard against this. It can come on so quick and easy. Take this to Jesus and your kids and ask how you are doing. Let Him guide you.
**To the dad who’s blown it...it’s never too late to start healing some wounds. A child’s desire for affection and approval from his father never goes away. In "Raising a Modern Day Knight" Robert Lewis outlines 3 practical steps to recovering this relationship. Something that is understood, is that this must be bathed in prayer and accompanied by God’s help...
1. Interview your child.
With humility meet with your child, share your heart including why you are doing this, and then ask them how you can be a better dad...what to do, what to stop doing, what you need...Listen, take it all in, and do not try to make excuses or justification for what you have done.
2. Confess
Confess your sin against them and ask for forgiveness.
3. Bless your child
Speak eyeball to eyeball, words of blessing to them. Tell them how much you love them, how special they are, how much they mean to you, how proud you are of them, and speak God’s favor over them.
I can’t promise how your child will respond. It may take time but you are laying the foundation for restoration and God will bless you and honor your efforts. You are trying to live with Jesus in mind and that is always a good thing.
***To the children today (5, 25, 55, 75) who are walking around with a wound, forgive your parents (this may require a visit or phone call) and you surrender your life to Jesus. Go forward today and let Him be your life. The more you serve Him and become like Him, the more you will find the wound healing. In Him you have something better than what that wound is taking away. Not the least of which is the fact that in Him you are approved, accepted, without fault.
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